Close every door to me, keep those I love from me....

Hello.

Yeah, I think hello is quite the proper greeting. It's been a while, to say the least, since I've posted anything.... But if it counts at all I started a post a few days ago, just hadn't finished it and I decided against posting what I was going to rant about. Partially because I can't remember what I was going to rant about but then partially also because I don't want to post what I wanted to then now. Make sense? Good. :]

The past few weeks have been alright. On Saturday, October 30th I was leaving work and was walking down the associate stairs to go to my car (completely ignoring the distinct voice I heard telling me to go down the elevator) stopping on the second stair from the bottom to find my keys. Well, need I say more other than I did a good and forgot there were two more stairs, fell down them, and found out about a week and a few days later that I broke my ankle. Technically, it's a pull-off fracture of my talus (tay-lus) bone in my ankle. A not so good bone to break. And so, here I sit about a month later still wearing my boot, trudging around. "Gimpy" has become my nickname around town. Joy.

The semester is about to end and I have got a few final projects due in the next couple days that I haven't even started. Not. Good.
This semester has been a fairly good one. It's flown by. I'd recommend both my classes. But I'd warn for the International Literature and Culture class has a TON of homework and reading and it's absolutely insane. 900 points total for this class. CRAZY! Also, the professor of the class is a Gay man who has a deep interest in making you see his way. And a ton of the movies you are required to watch are all about gays. And I don't have any problem with treating everyone equally. And that's something this class has taught me especially. I've learned to have a greater love for human beings, and I've learned that I need to be a better person and not judge people. And there are things in the world I've never known that I've learned through this class. Throughout the semester we've learned about cultures throughout the world and things about our country I never ever would've known. Things that aren't so fabulous. I've learned about Marxism and democracy and the Aztecs and ancient civilizations and their beliefs and have grown to love History even more. I want a career and I want a career that changes lives. I know that I can never change the world but if I can make it better little by little then I want to do so. I still don't know exactly what that could be, but I intend on figuring it out.

Throughout the semester I've learned about the differences in cultures and how we as a society decide who is privileged and who is not and who's the "other." We decide who doesn't get the privilege. Before this class I never would've considered being able to walk into a classroom and not having to worry if I'm going to be the only white person in the class as a privilege. And there is so much more I can't even type it all right now.

But I've found a new person in me.

Now, I want to say that first and foremost I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for everything they've done for me. One of the things this class has taught me is that I don't know a lot about other religions or other parts of the world and I now know that I want to. I still believe in the church and I know it's where I want to be. But I don't know without a shadow of a doubt if it's what I really really want. I do know that through the past few weeks (and a part of it has been that I've had to work on several Sundays causing me to miss church several times and I feel incredibly spiritually deprived and lost and I just need some Christ in my life.

I feel like I want to try other things. I don't know if I should feel bad about this or not. I don't know if my reasoning is because I just want to find something wrong or if I truly want to know the truth. My gut is conflicted. And that is making me very nervous. If I'm conflicted about my reasoning then I really don't want to venture out because then I really fear that I'll just find wrong where I want to find wrong. And I don't want to be misled. And I don't want my crazed mind to take over what the spirit is telling me and my heart is saying. Because I know best that my mind hasn't always been the best listener to what the spirit is telling me.

Oh good grief. I'm conflicted and I know what I've known for my entire life and then I know what I want to explore but I'm afraid for more than one reason.

Maybe I fear disappointing my Mother. But mostly I fear disappointing my Savior. The single person who has done more for me than I could ever repay. Do I want to defy His word just to satisfy my own curiosity? Or am I really not defying, I'm just sincerely wanting to know the truth. Am I expecting fireworks?! I think I'm the only one who has the answers. And of course another Sunday comes and I can't go to church because they're making us be open. Ugh. I hate this.