I can feel that it's time for me to face it. Can I take it?

Okay... before I go writing everything again I would just like to point out that I had just written about 3 paragraphs just a second ago and my darn hand ran over the laptop mouse pad and erased everything I had just said. Grr. Well, I guess that means I was rambling.

Just as I am now. Haha.

Well, the past while I've been running back and forth through my head and through my journal fighting and arguing and admitting things to myself that I've been struggling to go and talk to my bishop about. Now, some things happened about 7 years ago and other things were just under a year ago. And only a month for one thing.

This morning/afternoon I've spent a good hour and a half writing in my journal about the things I've wanted and needed to talk about. I actually was going to write it all down here, but after writing it all in my journal I realized that it's just far too personal, even though I really want to share it with someone.

So, Mom, if you read this I'm giving you my permission to read the last couple entries in my journal. (But do it when I'm not around, please. It's awkward for me to sit there while you're reading the things I've written, especially about these things in particular.) But I first and foremost want to let you know that I have not had sex. With anyone, so I don't want you to think that. :]

But I've come to feel Heavenly Father's love and approval and wishing for me to share these things with someone and especially the bishop. And I am going to do that right as soon as my records have officially been transferred to the new ward.

I've struggled also with, how will the bishop think of me. Well, I had a semi-similar experience when I was 15 with my ex-boyfriend, Chaice. I went to the bishop told him everything and when all was said and done; the fears I had about him looking down on me were totally and completely misplaced. He showed nothing but love and concern and helped me get through it. And I was absolutely terrified to tell my parents about what had happened, but Bishop Stauffer said that it was best I did tell them. And I was so terrified that my Mom and Dad were going to hate me; my Mom did nothing but show me love and support as well.

And because of that experience I know that my new bishop, Bishop Elegante, will do nothing but the same. He will want to help me. And even though I don't know him from adam, he'll still be there, supportive and caring as a bishop I'd known for years. Like Bishop Stauffer was. :]

I'm not afraid anymore of how he'll think of me. My main concern is my eternal salvation and how Heavenly Father thinks of me. And I'm going to make it right.

Also, I'm going to be 21 in 13 days. And I don't really know why, but 21 feels so weird. 18 didn't feel this bizarre, nor 19, nor 20... But 21?! It's a little frightening. I think I've mostly been afraid of not being able to resist the temptation to drink. I've thought long and hard, first I'd said on my birthday I'm going to go purchase an alcoholic beverage and just not drink it. And then the thought pops into my head, well if you're going to waste your money purchasing it, why not just buy something that'll actually taste semi-decent and just drink it. What can one little drink do?

Well, now I know, one "little" drink can lead to much, much bigger things. Now, I've always said that I'll never drink beer because every single person that tells me about beer says it's an "acquired" taste. Well, frankly, if I have to acquire a taste to something I don't even want to bother. No thank you!! But what about the fruity ones? I've heard of blueberry or some sort of blue-vodka that tastes purely like juice or something like that. Well, that wouldn't be bad, right?! At least it won't taste bad!

Nuh-uh. I don't even want to go there. One time, I almost kinda-sorta pinched a nerve in my back and because of it I couldn't even move really. So, they put me on tramadol, and oh my goodness. I felt tired constantly, and I just felt light headed and dizzy and yucky and just totally not myself. I HATED that feeling. I detest not feeling like myself. And from what I've heard, alcohol makes you kinda feel the same way. Not yourself. And I just do not want to feel that way. Not one bit. Nope, no thank you.

So, even though I think that way and have thought it through in that way, I sometimes still get that thought in my head, just one time is okay. But I know it's Satan.

Satan is trying to make it so I'm not happy. And I refuse to make Satan happy. No way, jose!

Well, I'm sorry this is a long rant-like post... But thank you for letting me get some of those things out in the open.

Loves, loves. :]