Close every door to me, keep those I love from me....

Hello.

Yeah, I think hello is quite the proper greeting. It's been a while, to say the least, since I've posted anything.... But if it counts at all I started a post a few days ago, just hadn't finished it and I decided against posting what I was going to rant about. Partially because I can't remember what I was going to rant about but then partially also because I don't want to post what I wanted to then now. Make sense? Good. :]

The past few weeks have been alright. On Saturday, October 30th I was leaving work and was walking down the associate stairs to go to my car (completely ignoring the distinct voice I heard telling me to go down the elevator) stopping on the second stair from the bottom to find my keys. Well, need I say more other than I did a good and forgot there were two more stairs, fell down them, and found out about a week and a few days later that I broke my ankle. Technically, it's a pull-off fracture of my talus (tay-lus) bone in my ankle. A not so good bone to break. And so, here I sit about a month later still wearing my boot, trudging around. "Gimpy" has become my nickname around town. Joy.

The semester is about to end and I have got a few final projects due in the next couple days that I haven't even started. Not. Good.
This semester has been a fairly good one. It's flown by. I'd recommend both my classes. But I'd warn for the International Literature and Culture class has a TON of homework and reading and it's absolutely insane. 900 points total for this class. CRAZY! Also, the professor of the class is a Gay man who has a deep interest in making you see his way. And a ton of the movies you are required to watch are all about gays. And I don't have any problem with treating everyone equally. And that's something this class has taught me especially. I've learned to have a greater love for human beings, and I've learned that I need to be a better person and not judge people. And there are things in the world I've never known that I've learned through this class. Throughout the semester we've learned about cultures throughout the world and things about our country I never ever would've known. Things that aren't so fabulous. I've learned about Marxism and democracy and the Aztecs and ancient civilizations and their beliefs and have grown to love History even more. I want a career and I want a career that changes lives. I know that I can never change the world but if I can make it better little by little then I want to do so. I still don't know exactly what that could be, but I intend on figuring it out.

Throughout the semester I've learned about the differences in cultures and how we as a society decide who is privileged and who is not and who's the "other." We decide who doesn't get the privilege. Before this class I never would've considered being able to walk into a classroom and not having to worry if I'm going to be the only white person in the class as a privilege. And there is so much more I can't even type it all right now.

But I've found a new person in me.

Now, I want to say that first and foremost I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for everything they've done for me. One of the things this class has taught me is that I don't know a lot about other religions or other parts of the world and I now know that I want to. I still believe in the church and I know it's where I want to be. But I don't know without a shadow of a doubt if it's what I really really want. I do know that through the past few weeks (and a part of it has been that I've had to work on several Sundays causing me to miss church several times and I feel incredibly spiritually deprived and lost and I just need some Christ in my life.

I feel like I want to try other things. I don't know if I should feel bad about this or not. I don't know if my reasoning is because I just want to find something wrong or if I truly want to know the truth. My gut is conflicted. And that is making me very nervous. If I'm conflicted about my reasoning then I really don't want to venture out because then I really fear that I'll just find wrong where I want to find wrong. And I don't want to be misled. And I don't want my crazed mind to take over what the spirit is telling me and my heart is saying. Because I know best that my mind hasn't always been the best listener to what the spirit is telling me.

Oh good grief. I'm conflicted and I know what I've known for my entire life and then I know what I want to explore but I'm afraid for more than one reason.

Maybe I fear disappointing my Mother. But mostly I fear disappointing my Savior. The single person who has done more for me than I could ever repay. Do I want to defy His word just to satisfy my own curiosity? Or am I really not defying, I'm just sincerely wanting to know the truth. Am I expecting fireworks?! I think I'm the only one who has the answers. And of course another Sunday comes and I can't go to church because they're making us be open. Ugh. I hate this.

Isn't that the way, Everybody's got their dues in life to pay....

Okay, so I know my last post was all about how I hate my little sister and am blaming all of my problems on her. Well, this post is an apology to her.

Lisa, I'm sorry. I royally screwed up and totally threw you under the bus. I shouldn't have said what I did. I love you and I'm sorry.

But it's thanks to that post and ranting session that I really figured out what's my issue. And I still feel like I've got things I need to work on. Which is totally the case, but I know how to.

Aubrey Andrus,
Thank you much for posting that quote. It really got me going and want to change. I don't know what happened but I've started changing my lifestyle. I lost the 3 pounds I gained and even more than that. And it's going to continue. So, again, thanks so much for stalking my blog and posting such amazing things. I love you! :]

I also just want to say that I love my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ and their meaning in my life. The constant love and understanding are the reasons I'm alive. The things I've been blessed with in life are beyond what I can repay, but I figure I can just be my best and give it my all. And that's how I'm going to get anywhere in life.

Criticize all you want people, but it's what I KNOW. WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. I know my Father lives. I know he loves me unconditionally, and I hope that everyone will come to know of His love. Because it's truly amazing and has saved my life in so many ways.

Oh, I also came to the realization that I have had a lot of trials in my life. And more are here and more are coming because I obviously have more things I need to learn. And my little pity party of a last post is no more. :]

Loves loves.

No One To Share The Blame...

So, I've been in a funk. As seen in my last post.

Monday morning I woke up from a dream. This dream was one that thoroughly depressed me. To the point where I decided I was bipolar, had PMDD, completely insane and sincerely need professional help. Which, I still believe to be true. But not for the same reasons as I felt Monday morning...well somewhat.

Not twenty minutes ago I had an epiphany. A huge part of what I have been feeling is pure jealousy. I've never felt such pure jealousy for someone in my entire life. Who am I jealous of?

Lisa.

Yes. My little sister, Lisa.

Some of the things I figured out were not that I'm just jealous, I almost fully hate her. Because of her beauty, her witty personality, her body, the fact she has this totally amazing guy who adores her (and I don't blame him.) Seriously. Hang out with Lisa for 15 minutes and you'll love her. Also, she says the stupidest things at the complete wrong time. What's super hard about that is she doesn't even know she hurts me so badly. But I don't know what to do to make her stop. And one of the biggest things is that she's already got the dancing ability above me but now she's got a better singing voice than I. Singing has always been "my" thing. Or so I thought. I hate her because I can't have what she has.
The hardest part is that I really don't hate her. I love her and am so proud of who she is. What I hate is that I can't have that. And what I hate most is that I have no motivation, none, zip, zilch, notta motivated bone in my body to really change that. The only thing I really can change is my body. And I'm working on it. But having zero motivation is freaking hard!

I feel bad because it's not her fault. But I still can't stop being jealous. I sit here, crying, typing this because I don't know what else to do. I am stumped. I don't know what to do and I don't know who to go to. Ugh. I hate myself now more than ever.

But, why?
I feel like I've been through enough trials in my life up to this point and I can't get over a lot of them. Why is more being piled on me? I don't know how much more I can take.

This is the exact, total, complete OPPOSITE of happiness.
Sucktastic.

Got away by some mistake...

So, this little "funk" I've been in is still there. But getting better.
SHANNA QUIT YESTERDAY! THANK YOU, LORD! I cannot tell you how relieving it was to throw her S*** away and just be rid of her. I LOVE it! :]

Anyways, back to the funk. A lot of the time lately I've been feeling very down on myself... especially with Lisa around. And some of the things she does and says just puts me farther down in le funk. And I hate it. I hate how I constantly compare myself to her.
Some of the thoughts that frequently enter my mind are:
"Why couldn't you have taken better care of yourself in high school."
"Why was I the one who was constantly picked on from grade 1 to grade 12 where the taunting never stopped?"
"Why can't you get off your butt and fix yourself?"
"What's wrong with me?"
My senior year of high school was the year I constantly considered suicide. And I know now that I would've never really done anything but I look back at everything that made me feel like I was worth absolutely nothing. And I still see that in myself but I know there's got to be some way that I can help myself feel better about who I am and what I look like. I HATE being in the bathroom with Lisa. Because all I do is compare. I look at my body and I look back at hers and I feel nothing but regret and hatred for myself.
I don't know what I ever did to those boys to make me their target for 12 years. And if you were to ask me what exactly it was they did to me, I couldn't tell you. But I can start crying... and I figure that if you can't tell anyone what it was they did but you could bawl your eyes out for an hour plus it's got to be pretty bad. And I don't know what to do to get over it. :[
How do you get over things that went on for years?
How do I get over hating on myself for some of the choices I've made? At times I just wish I could turn back the clock and redo everything. But then again I wouldn't be who I am without all of it. I wouldn't have some of the best people ever in my life, and so close to my heart, without some of these things happening.
How can I be grateful when I feel so terrible?

There is currently no lyric of song that comes to mind to be the title of this here post... Oh my.

I am in a funk. It's weird and foreign and I want out! I want this mundane, boring, grandmother-like lifestyle gone bye-bye. How to fix it?! Hmmm.

Can you still see the heart of me?

Hey! I know it's been a long long time. But I still don't really know what all to write.

So, I'll write about Neil. The past week he's been acting really strange. On Tuesday we did go out and it was really nice to hang out with him and see him. Then Wednesday we didn't talk a lot. Thursday we didn't talk at all and Friday we didn't talk at all either.

Then last night he texts me at approximately 10:45 or probably even later. The conversation starts out the same typical NEIL: "Hey there :]" ME: "Hi." NEIL: "How was your day?" ME: "Good. Got to see and go to lunch with my best friend, Kevin. It was super nice to see him. You?" NEIL: "Mine was good. Went to racquetball then mowed the lawn then work. It was busy and fun." ME: "Cool." NEIL: "Are you okay? You don't seem yourself." (Which is true. Typically I say I lot more and am more conversational. But last night I was aggravated.) ME: "Yeah. I'm just tired. And with a stuffy nose and junk." NEIL: ":( I'm sorry. How can I help?" ME: "You can't." NEIL: ":( I'm sorry" ME: "Meh. No biggie." NEIL: "Lol. Wow you really aren't yourself tonight."

And so then I really shpeal about him hiding from me the fact that his ex girlfriend gave him a ride home from school. Which, for the record, isn't the part that bothers me. What bothers me is the fact that he tried to hide it from me. And his reasoning for being hesitant to tell me was because the last time he mentioned her I "got upset." Which is true, I did, for the simple fact that the entire reason for mentioning her was to tell me that he still loved her. Which, any girl would be upset about.

And then he says how I judge him and how he feels like I get mad because he doesn't spend every waking moment with me or he hangs out with his other friends or goes on dates with other girls. Which, in some respect I do. But it's not the every waking moment, it's just that typically when you're dating and like and tell someone you love them you spend time with them. More than a few hours every 3 weeks. Call me crazy. But maybe the difference is we're not together so he doesn't feel that way. But the thing is that he DOESN'T TELL ME THESE THINGS. It's always wait until Kayli's pissed and says something and then suddenly I'm doing things wrong, too. It's just weird and I'm confused and hurting a bit. But we'll see how it goes. OH! And then toward the end of last night's conversation he says how he feels like a jerk and how he feels like things are really screwed up now. Which I don't feel that way at all. Things aren't irreparable we just need to communicate more and better. It's almost like he's trying to get me to quit trying to talk. Like he's trying to get out of our relationship easily. I don't know exactly what it is...but I don't feel good about it at all.
But we shall see.
OH good grief. :[

Loves loves.

If I should die before I wake it's 'cause you took my breath away... :]

So, school starts tomorrow! :] And I'm pretty excited for the semester to come... It should be fun. Neil, my lover boy(haha,) is going into mechanical engineering and according to him and another friend of mine, engineering students have NO LIFE during the semester... this fact troubles me. So, hopefully, we'll still get to see each other every once in a while. BUT I'm still not going to fret too much. Life is short and I'm still going to date other guys should the opportunity surface. Gotta make sure he's the one ya know?!

Today I finished reading Breaking Dawn for the second time. And I LOVE THAT SERIES!! To me I don't think it gets much sparklier than Edward or any sexy hotter than Jacob. :] BUT I am looking for a new series to become enthralled with. I want to read the last,and maybe even the last two, Harry Potter books before November. Any other suggestions after that would be greatly appreciated! :]]

Loves loves! :]