If somebody's out there, show me that you care. Give me a sign that comes out of nowhere!

So, I've been a major slacker for the past 4+ months. I'm sorry.

Lots has gone on. I did get the new job at Riverton Family Eyecare! I started working there on August 16th and I LOVE my job!

On September 18th I said yes to an amazing guy... well sort of (Sort of a "yes" not meaning he's sort of amazing.) He sent me a text that morning telling me he had something he wanted to tell me (or something to that effect) and so I said okay... shoot. And he sent me, "I want to be your boyfriend." I was seriously kind of shocked by this. I mean, we've been friends since 11th grade; we actually "went out" for a few months that year. He's always been a good friend, super hilarious and just tons of fun. But we'll have been together for 3 months on the 18th and I am super happy. Right now I'm just having fun with the kid, I love him to death.

No serious talk about marriage or anything of that sort because, frankly, I don't want to get married for a few more years if not 4+ years. I just feel so young and like I should have more in savings and get my car paid off and debts generally eliminated and get a real strong sense of where I want to be in life and who I want to become and then I can start thinking about marriage.

Plus it doesn't help much that he hasn't had a job in a few months and it kinda scares me sometimes with his talk of giving up searching for a new one. Which I really do know it's just his frustrations talking but I hate to see him so exasperated and unable to find anything. I don't mind being the "suga mama" for now but there is no way I could support two people on what I make alone. I can hardly pay my bills some months (depending on what happens) and I just can't even imagine what it would be like to try to budget that for two people. It'd be impossible.

Anyway, I kind of like not thinking too far ahead or long term wise right now. I'm enjoying living life the way I am now and am in not too big of a rush to change.

Life is good and I'm happy. :]

Loves loves.

One of those days...

There are some days and/or nights when I desperately long for someone who could love me. There are some days and/or nights when I really wish I would've made some different choices. There and some days and/or nights when I really just wanna cry.




Tonight is one of those nights. *Sigh*

Here we are, under the same old sun.

Hey there! :]
It's been a while, that is for sure! Life is good :] Still working on finding a new job. I had an interview Thursday before last with Riverton Family Eye Care and it would be such a fun practice to work in! I would love it! I'm still waiting to hear back from them, I guess the position is to take over for the Doctor's daughter who is going back to college at the endish of August. Richard, the gentlemen that interviewed me, said they still had a couple interviews in the next couple weeks and would make a decision then. So, it's almost the end of two weeks, and just about the start of three, obviously. But that's around the time frame he said. So, we shall see.

There's another opening at a Mountain Star clinic in West Jordan that my little sister's kindergarten teacher's daughter works at that will have an opening for a receptionist at the end of August. Kathryn, the daughter, told my Mom about it about a month ago and I am the QUEEN of procrastination! So, naturally, now I'm finally starting to take it seriously. It would be a great job. I love working with people and the BEST part of it all... NOT A SALES POSITION!! I literally think I am the worlds almost worse salesperson. I don't like to push people into things and I don't like my job hanging by numbers and percentages. I think it's pretty crappy pay and I just need to save up and pay off bills and be able to take classes again.

This company has tuition reimbursement, it's a full time job. Monday-Friday, I'm pretty sure they're closed on holidays, and there's benefits and a 401-k and just totally awesome. Not to mention that the starting pay is 11.70 or so an hour.

Another thing that bugs me about my job is my company doesn't really treat their employees the best, I make $7.75 an hour. I started my job at $7.50. That's $0.25 raise in just about 3 years! I was supposed to get a quarter raise after 90 days but didn't get it until 2 years later. And there's absolutely no possibility of a raise unless sales are up. Again, I hate sales related crap. I hate the stupid ornery rude people who are jerky and they think they're the only people on the face of the planet who know anything about everything. Grr.

Anyway, *breathe*

Cross your fingers for me!!

Loves loves! :]

I can feel that it's time for me to face it. Can I take it?

Okay... before I go writing everything again I would just like to point out that I had just written about 3 paragraphs just a second ago and my darn hand ran over the laptop mouse pad and erased everything I had just said. Grr. Well, I guess that means I was rambling.

Just as I am now. Haha.

Well, the past while I've been running back and forth through my head and through my journal fighting and arguing and admitting things to myself that I've been struggling to go and talk to my bishop about. Now, some things happened about 7 years ago and other things were just under a year ago. And only a month for one thing.

This morning/afternoon I've spent a good hour and a half writing in my journal about the things I've wanted and needed to talk about. I actually was going to write it all down here, but after writing it all in my journal I realized that it's just far too personal, even though I really want to share it with someone.

So, Mom, if you read this I'm giving you my permission to read the last couple entries in my journal. (But do it when I'm not around, please. It's awkward for me to sit there while you're reading the things I've written, especially about these things in particular.) But I first and foremost want to let you know that I have not had sex. With anyone, so I don't want you to think that. :]

But I've come to feel Heavenly Father's love and approval and wishing for me to share these things with someone and especially the bishop. And I am going to do that right as soon as my records have officially been transferred to the new ward.

I've struggled also with, how will the bishop think of me. Well, I had a semi-similar experience when I was 15 with my ex-boyfriend, Chaice. I went to the bishop told him everything and when all was said and done; the fears I had about him looking down on me were totally and completely misplaced. He showed nothing but love and concern and helped me get through it. And I was absolutely terrified to tell my parents about what had happened, but Bishop Stauffer said that it was best I did tell them. And I was so terrified that my Mom and Dad were going to hate me; my Mom did nothing but show me love and support as well.

And because of that experience I know that my new bishop, Bishop Elegante, will do nothing but the same. He will want to help me. And even though I don't know him from adam, he'll still be there, supportive and caring as a bishop I'd known for years. Like Bishop Stauffer was. :]

I'm not afraid anymore of how he'll think of me. My main concern is my eternal salvation and how Heavenly Father thinks of me. And I'm going to make it right.

Also, I'm going to be 21 in 13 days. And I don't really know why, but 21 feels so weird. 18 didn't feel this bizarre, nor 19, nor 20... But 21?! It's a little frightening. I think I've mostly been afraid of not being able to resist the temptation to drink. I've thought long and hard, first I'd said on my birthday I'm going to go purchase an alcoholic beverage and just not drink it. And then the thought pops into my head, well if you're going to waste your money purchasing it, why not just buy something that'll actually taste semi-decent and just drink it. What can one little drink do?

Well, now I know, one "little" drink can lead to much, much bigger things. Now, I've always said that I'll never drink beer because every single person that tells me about beer says it's an "acquired" taste. Well, frankly, if I have to acquire a taste to something I don't even want to bother. No thank you!! But what about the fruity ones? I've heard of blueberry or some sort of blue-vodka that tastes purely like juice or something like that. Well, that wouldn't be bad, right?! At least it won't taste bad!

Nuh-uh. I don't even want to go there. One time, I almost kinda-sorta pinched a nerve in my back and because of it I couldn't even move really. So, they put me on tramadol, and oh my goodness. I felt tired constantly, and I just felt light headed and dizzy and yucky and just totally not myself. I HATED that feeling. I detest not feeling like myself. And from what I've heard, alcohol makes you kinda feel the same way. Not yourself. And I just do not want to feel that way. Not one bit. Nope, no thank you.

So, even though I think that way and have thought it through in that way, I sometimes still get that thought in my head, just one time is okay. But I know it's Satan.

Satan is trying to make it so I'm not happy. And I refuse to make Satan happy. No way, jose!

Well, I'm sorry this is a long rant-like post... But thank you for letting me get some of those things out in the open.

Loves, loves. :]

Frustrations.

So, the past month or so has been REALLY hard, work-wise, I mean. I love my job. I thoroughly enjoy it. I mean, of course everything has its stupid side and stupid people, but I really and truly love my job. It's my manager I am not so crazy about. Last year, last May in fact, I was so past sick of my job and my co-worker, Shanna that I was ready to quit. But after my vacation a couple weeks later I stuck it out. Shanna wound up quitting in October and all has been pretty good since. But lately I am just sick of the way I'm being treated. We hired a new girl in January and she's great. She's a little slow and has made my job a little more difficult at times but she's a good person; ten million-thousand times better than, Shanna, for sure!

Anyway, today a customer came in and I helped a lady who wanted to order contacts before her prescription expired. She was in a hurry and so she wrote down her card number and phone number, just in case anything went wrong. So, I put her contact order in the computer and tried to run her card, but the card didn't validate. So, Nancy had just gotten back from getting a drink and I was finishing up with two customers and didn't want to forget to call the lady ordering contacts before I left early. (I wound up leaving at around 4:15 PM) And so while I was finishing up with a customer I asked Nancy to call the contact lady to check the card number. While on the phone the customer told Nancy that she wanted to order the two boxes and then after those were ordered to try to order two more, just to make sure there was enough money in the account. So, Nancy, put the order for the two more boxes in the computer under her number. Now, this upset me. Every single contact lens sale we've had, (Which is every May and November each year) since May 2009, Nancy and I have always had issues with each other, Nancy had started the whole "don't steal my sales from me" bit. Which, for the record, I haven't. But Nancy has taken mine. In fact, she stole two half year supplies from me just yesterday. So, I said to Nancy(something along the lines of) "You going to put that sale under my name? I'm just kidding." Even though, I was dead serious. Because, the two customers who were under MY contact sale list had been sold to under her number just yesterday. Nancy then goes off about how if I really think the sale should be mine then "Just take it. I don't give a shit." In my brain I was thinking, "Okay!" But I wound up not doing it. She also goes off about how we always have this issue and how it's not individual numbers and how it's a store-wide goal, not just personal. Which, I totally know and understand. But the fact of the matter is, that is my commission. Not to mention that it just makes me feel better as a person. I don't like arguing, and I don't like to get upset at things. But I need to stand up for what is rightfully mine. She also says things about how I stole Barbara's sale (Which I did not! I helped a customer she did without even knowing she had talked to him. And if we're going to say that I stole it. It was in fact HER that stole it, I helped the person before the sale even started. And it was only one freaking box. Not even a big deal.)

I am just done. She is constantly thinking I'm being insubordinate and trying to fight and argue with her. I'm sorry but if trying to resolve issues with your boss by discussing them calmly and rationally is insubordination and trying to fight and argue then people of the world WATCH OUT!!!

I had an interview with a law firm for a file clerk/clerical/light receptionist position yesterday and I'm going to apply like mad to others because I am just done. This job will get me nowhere and I just don't have the patience anymore.

Whelp, that about sums up my tangent. But if I think of anything else, fear not, for I will most certainly let you know!

Loves loves! :]

It's been a while!

And probably a little too long since I've blogged last. Some events that have taken place:

- I FINALLY got to go shooting! It's been about two and a half years since I've gone last. GREAT fun!
- They implemented a new Young Single Adult.. brand? Well, a new way of doing things. Got rid of the college wards and singles wards and now they are simply YSA stakes and wards and eliminated some options. Now you can go to your home/family ward, or you can attend the YSA ward. Last night I attended my second ever Family Home Evening with the Magna YSA crew and it's just fun. I'm excited!

-Today marks 3 months on Weight Watchers and as of last Thursday, I'm down 12.2 pounds. That's officially 18 pounds less than my heaviest. I'm aiming for being down 30 by the time my vacation comes around at the beginning of June. (We'll see how that one works out.)

I can't really think of much else... But if I remember anything else, I'll be sure to come back and let you know.

Loves loves! :]

My lovely little St. George excursion.

Well, this past weekend I went to St. George with my good friend, Seana. We left Thursday morning at around 11. Then just before Springville my car's display pops up saying "Charging System Failure," and just then a thought pops up in my mind; "What does that mean?!?!" So I pull of at the very next exit to call my Dad. His thoughts are it's either the alternator or the serpentine belt came off or something. So, I drove my little Piper Pontiac Grand Prix over the overpass to the nearby Walmart. Well, after explaining the sitiation (pronounced sit-chee-a-tion) to the Walmart dude he says I need to take it to an actual mechanic to really get it checked out. About 2 miles later we locate the establishment he suggested and had them take Piper in. After approximately twenty minutes (which seemed like an hour) the guy comes in and says she needs a battery. And it'll be $105 installed. I didn't really have the money to spend, but I did have my credit card with me. What's another hundred bucks on top of the eighty-six I'd spent at Jiffy Lube that morning for an oil change, cabin air filter and regular air filter. Apparently, Piper didn't have an air filter in her. Fantastic. So, the nice people at Johnson's Tire Center in Springville installed the battery and we were off again. The rest of the drive went great, thankfully.
We stopped in Nephi at Reed's to get a burger (and a darn near perfect one at that. If I'm going past Nephi, I do not miss a chance for Reed's. Nope, nope, nope. Take the first Nephi exit, it's on main street on your left hand side. If you've passed the 7/11 you've gone one block too far.)
Then went to Seana's Aunt and Uncle's house to drop off her cousin's wallet. And, I think that was the only stop we made. We arrived at St. George, at my Grandma's house, around 6. Went to IHOP for dinner and went home to watch Tangled. The rest of the weekend was relaxing, did some shopping and just relaxed. I even got a sunburn while sunbathing. It still hurts, but at least I'll be a little tanner now. :]
Saturday night my Grandma made a pot roast and we ate dinner at home. And of course she just can't stop talking, my Grandma, I mean. Which isn't totally a bad thing, but I'd get annoyed at myself for talking that much. Haha. Anyway, the topic was brought up something about the musicals and how Cyprus did such a good job with "Joseph," which is true. But then she brings up, "I don't know why we didn't ever come to anything of yours, Kayli." Then she starts making up excuses; how my Grandpa was sick, which he never was at that time, or how she would've never gone to see Beauty and the Beast because she doesn't like those kind of shows.
Well, I did NOT want to talk about that.

I have always felt like I was the outsider child on that side of the family. My cousin Chris hasn't been around for holidays for years, Erin is close to Lisa's age, and Erika always wants to go swimming and has my Aunt Susan's attention. I've never felt like they loved me. It's always been compliments about Lisa and how beautiful she is and how wonderful a singer she is and how beautiful of a dancer she is. Which is all true, but then it's been, "Kayli, you need to lose weight." Occasionally, I get a comment about my singing, but it always seems to be overshadowed by how fat I am.

So, the dinner goes on and she keeps on talking about how she doesn't like those kinds of shows and blah, blah, excuse, excuse, excuse. And I just didn't want to hear it. I want to talk to her about it, but if I do I'm going to start crying.

It's not all about the show. It's a high school production and your granddaughter has a lead role, isn't that worth something? Even if it's just to go watch her perform and be a support. My Granny never missed a show, well a musical at least, plays she didn't care for as much, and I wasn't really in anything like that so it doesn't really matter and that doesn't matter to me as much. Beside that fact, Granny never did like Grease or even West Side Story, but the point is, is that she went. She supports me in all I do, even if she doesn't really care for it. And just for ONCE I'd like for her to just support me. I just wanted them to see me in my element, doing what I love and just show some support. Family should support family. I didn't feel loved and I still don't really.

She had said to me that Susan and her talk all the time about me and how sweet I am and how great of a personality I have and how I'm becoming my own person. I've been this way for years, you've just never been around to see it. Never stopped being selfish for just a minute to just want to be there to support me.

I feel really unloved and unsupported by them and by my Grandpa and Aunt Mary and all the people on that side of my family because they have never once tried to support me in anything. Sure, you came to my graduation, whoopie. How boring is that.

Anyway, there's lots more to type on this subject, but I need to eat something and get ready for work. Thanks for letting me babble and ramble and get some frustrations out. I needed it.

Loves loves.