Okay, so I know my last post was all about how I hate my little sister and am blaming all of my problems on her. Well, this post is an apology to her.
Lisa, I'm sorry. I royally screwed up and totally threw you under the bus. I shouldn't have said what I did. I love you and I'm sorry.
But it's thanks to that post and ranting session that I really figured out what's my issue. And I still feel like I've got things I need to work on. Which is totally the case, but I know how to.
Aubrey Andrus,
Thank you much for posting that quote. It really got me going and want to change. I don't know what happened but I've started changing my lifestyle. I lost the 3 pounds I gained and even more than that. And it's going to continue. So, again, thanks so much for stalking my blog and posting such amazing things. I love you! :]
I also just want to say that I love my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ and their meaning in my life. The constant love and understanding are the reasons I'm alive. The things I've been blessed with in life are beyond what I can repay, but I figure I can just be my best and give it my all. And that's how I'm going to get anywhere in life.
Criticize all you want people, but it's what I KNOW. WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. I know my Father lives. I know he loves me unconditionally, and I hope that everyone will come to know of His love. Because it's truly amazing and has saved my life in so many ways.
Oh, I also came to the realization that I have had a lot of trials in my life. And more are here and more are coming because I obviously have more things I need to learn. And my little pity party of a last post is no more. :]
Loves loves.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
No One To Share The Blame...
So, I've been in a funk. As seen in my last post.
Monday morning I woke up from a dream. This dream was one that thoroughly depressed me. To the point where I decided I was bipolar, had PMDD, completely insane and sincerely need professional help. Which, I still believe to be true. But not for the same reasons as I felt Monday morning...well somewhat.
Not twenty minutes ago I had an epiphany. A huge part of what I have been feeling is pure jealousy. I've never felt such pure jealousy for someone in my entire life. Who am I jealous of?
Lisa.
Yes. My little sister, Lisa.
Some of the things I figured out were not that I'm just jealous, I almost fully hate her. Because of her beauty, her witty personality, her body, the fact she has this totally amazing guy who adores her (and I don't blame him.) Seriously. Hang out with Lisa for 15 minutes and you'll love her. Also, she says the stupidest things at the complete wrong time. What's super hard about that is she doesn't even know she hurts me so badly. But I don't know what to do to make her stop. And one of the biggest things is that she's already got the dancing ability above me but now she's got a better singing voice than I. Singing has always been "my" thing. Or so I thought. I hate her because I can't have what she has.
The hardest part is that I really don't hate her. I love her and am so proud of who she is. What I hate is that I can't have that. And what I hate most is that I have no motivation, none, zip, zilch, notta motivated bone in my body to really change that. The only thing I really can change is my body. And I'm working on it. But having zero motivation is freaking hard!
I feel bad because it's not her fault. But I still can't stop being jealous. I sit here, crying, typing this because I don't know what else to do. I am stumped. I don't know what to do and I don't know who to go to. Ugh. I hate myself now more than ever.
But, why?
I feel like I've been through enough trials in my life up to this point and I can't get over a lot of them. Why is more being piled on me? I don't know how much more I can take.
This is the exact, total, complete OPPOSITE of happiness.
Sucktastic.
Monday morning I woke up from a dream. This dream was one that thoroughly depressed me. To the point where I decided I was bipolar, had PMDD, completely insane and sincerely need professional help. Which, I still believe to be true. But not for the same reasons as I felt Monday morning...well somewhat.
Not twenty minutes ago I had an epiphany. A huge part of what I have been feeling is pure jealousy. I've never felt such pure jealousy for someone in my entire life. Who am I jealous of?
Lisa.
Yes. My little sister, Lisa.
Some of the things I figured out were not that I'm just jealous, I almost fully hate her. Because of her beauty, her witty personality, her body, the fact she has this totally amazing guy who adores her (and I don't blame him.) Seriously. Hang out with Lisa for 15 minutes and you'll love her. Also, she says the stupidest things at the complete wrong time. What's super hard about that is she doesn't even know she hurts me so badly. But I don't know what to do to make her stop. And one of the biggest things is that she's already got the dancing ability above me but now she's got a better singing voice than I. Singing has always been "my" thing. Or so I thought. I hate her because I can't have what she has.
The hardest part is that I really don't hate her. I love her and am so proud of who she is. What I hate is that I can't have that. And what I hate most is that I have no motivation, none, zip, zilch, notta motivated bone in my body to really change that. The only thing I really can change is my body. And I'm working on it. But having zero motivation is freaking hard!
I feel bad because it's not her fault. But I still can't stop being jealous. I sit here, crying, typing this because I don't know what else to do. I am stumped. I don't know what to do and I don't know who to go to. Ugh. I hate myself now more than ever.
But, why?
I feel like I've been through enough trials in my life up to this point and I can't get over a lot of them. Why is more being piled on me? I don't know how much more I can take.
This is the exact, total, complete OPPOSITE of happiness.
Sucktastic.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Got away by some mistake...
So, this little "funk" I've been in is still there. But getting better.
SHANNA QUIT YESTERDAY! THANK YOU, LORD! I cannot tell you how relieving it was to throw her S*** away and just be rid of her. I LOVE it! :]
Anyways, back to the funk. A lot of the time lately I've been feeling very down on myself... especially with Lisa around. And some of the things she does and says just puts me farther down in le funk. And I hate it. I hate how I constantly compare myself to her.
Some of the thoughts that frequently enter my mind are:
"Why couldn't you have taken better care of yourself in high school."
"Why was I the one who was constantly picked on from grade 1 to grade 12 where the taunting never stopped?"
"Why can't you get off your butt and fix yourself?"
"What's wrong with me?"
My senior year of high school was the year I constantly considered suicide. And I know now that I would've never really done anything but I look back at everything that made me feel like I was worth absolutely nothing. And I still see that in myself but I know there's got to be some way that I can help myself feel better about who I am and what I look like. I HATE being in the bathroom with Lisa. Because all I do is compare. I look at my body and I look back at hers and I feel nothing but regret and hatred for myself.
I don't know what I ever did to those boys to make me their target for 12 years. And if you were to ask me what exactly it was they did to me, I couldn't tell you. But I can start crying... and I figure that if you can't tell anyone what it was they did but you could bawl your eyes out for an hour plus it's got to be pretty bad. And I don't know what to do to get over it. :[
How do you get over things that went on for years?
How do I get over hating on myself for some of the choices I've made? At times I just wish I could turn back the clock and redo everything. But then again I wouldn't be who I am without all of it. I wouldn't have some of the best people ever in my life, and so close to my heart, without some of these things happening.
How can I be grateful when I feel so terrible?
SHANNA QUIT YESTERDAY! THANK YOU, LORD! I cannot tell you how relieving it was to throw her S*** away and just be rid of her. I LOVE it! :]
Anyways, back to the funk. A lot of the time lately I've been feeling very down on myself... especially with Lisa around. And some of the things she does and says just puts me farther down in le funk. And I hate it. I hate how I constantly compare myself to her.
Some of the thoughts that frequently enter my mind are:
"Why couldn't you have taken better care of yourself in high school."
"Why was I the one who was constantly picked on from grade 1 to grade 12 where the taunting never stopped?"
"Why can't you get off your butt and fix yourself?"
"What's wrong with me?"
My senior year of high school was the year I constantly considered suicide. And I know now that I would've never really done anything but I look back at everything that made me feel like I was worth absolutely nothing. And I still see that in myself but I know there's got to be some way that I can help myself feel better about who I am and what I look like. I HATE being in the bathroom with Lisa. Because all I do is compare. I look at my body and I look back at hers and I feel nothing but regret and hatred for myself.
I don't know what I ever did to those boys to make me their target for 12 years. And if you were to ask me what exactly it was they did to me, I couldn't tell you. But I can start crying... and I figure that if you can't tell anyone what it was they did but you could bawl your eyes out for an hour plus it's got to be pretty bad. And I don't know what to do to get over it. :[
How do you get over things that went on for years?
How do I get over hating on myself for some of the choices I've made? At times I just wish I could turn back the clock and redo everything. But then again I wouldn't be who I am without all of it. I wouldn't have some of the best people ever in my life, and so close to my heart, without some of these things happening.
How can I be grateful when I feel so terrible?
Monday, October 4, 2010
There is currently no lyric of song that comes to mind to be the title of this here post... Oh my.
I am in a funk. It's weird and foreign and I want out! I want this mundane, boring, grandmother-like lifestyle gone bye-bye. How to fix it?! Hmmm.
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