No One To Share The Blame...

So, I've been in a funk. As seen in my last post.

Monday morning I woke up from a dream. This dream was one that thoroughly depressed me. To the point where I decided I was bipolar, had PMDD, completely insane and sincerely need professional help. Which, I still believe to be true. But not for the same reasons as I felt Monday morning...well somewhat.

Not twenty minutes ago I had an epiphany. A huge part of what I have been feeling is pure jealousy. I've never felt such pure jealousy for someone in my entire life. Who am I jealous of?

Lisa.

Yes. My little sister, Lisa.

Some of the things I figured out were not that I'm just jealous, I almost fully hate her. Because of her beauty, her witty personality, her body, the fact she has this totally amazing guy who adores her (and I don't blame him.) Seriously. Hang out with Lisa for 15 minutes and you'll love her. Also, she says the stupidest things at the complete wrong time. What's super hard about that is she doesn't even know she hurts me so badly. But I don't know what to do to make her stop. And one of the biggest things is that she's already got the dancing ability above me but now she's got a better singing voice than I. Singing has always been "my" thing. Or so I thought. I hate her because I can't have what she has.
The hardest part is that I really don't hate her. I love her and am so proud of who she is. What I hate is that I can't have that. And what I hate most is that I have no motivation, none, zip, zilch, notta motivated bone in my body to really change that. The only thing I really can change is my body. And I'm working on it. But having zero motivation is freaking hard!

I feel bad because it's not her fault. But I still can't stop being jealous. I sit here, crying, typing this because I don't know what else to do. I am stumped. I don't know what to do and I don't know who to go to. Ugh. I hate myself now more than ever.

But, why?
I feel like I've been through enough trials in my life up to this point and I can't get over a lot of them. Why is more being piled on me? I don't know how much more I can take.

This is the exact, total, complete OPPOSITE of happiness.
Sucktastic.