So, this little "funk" I've been in is still there. But getting better.
SHANNA QUIT YESTERDAY! THANK YOU, LORD! I cannot tell you how relieving it was to throw her S*** away and just be rid of her. I LOVE it! :]
Anyways, back to the funk. A lot of the time lately I've been feeling very down on myself... especially with Lisa around. And some of the things she does and says just puts me farther down in le funk. And I hate it. I hate how I constantly compare myself to her.
Some of the thoughts that frequently enter my mind are:
"Why couldn't you have taken better care of yourself in high school."
"Why was I the one who was constantly picked on from grade 1 to grade 12 where the taunting never stopped?"
"Why can't you get off your butt and fix yourself?"
"What's wrong with me?"
My senior year of high school was the year I constantly considered suicide. And I know now that I would've never really done anything but I look back at everything that made me feel like I was worth absolutely nothing. And I still see that in myself but I know there's got to be some way that I can help myself feel better about who I am and what I look like. I HATE being in the bathroom with Lisa. Because all I do is compare. I look at my body and I look back at hers and I feel nothing but regret and hatred for myself.
I don't know what I ever did to those boys to make me their target for 12 years. And if you were to ask me what exactly it was they did to me, I couldn't tell you. But I can start crying... and I figure that if you can't tell anyone what it was they did but you could bawl your eyes out for an hour plus it's got to be pretty bad. And I don't know what to do to get over it. :[
How do you get over things that went on for years?
How do I get over hating on myself for some of the choices I've made? At times I just wish I could turn back the clock and redo everything. But then again I wouldn't be who I am without all of it. I wouldn't have some of the best people ever in my life, and so close to my heart, without some of these things happening.
How can I be grateful when I feel so terrible?
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Dear sweet girl. This post makes my heart ache so badly for you. I can't tell you how many times I have been there and done that (especially through my high school experience). I know you're probably thinking, "why?" Growing up I had frizzy curly hair, on top skin issues (from 16-19, right in the middle of high school. . . so convenient!). Needless to say, my high school days were plagued with self-doubt, self-loathing, self-pity, and everywhere in between. The rest of my siblings had beautiful olive colored skin and straight hair, which made me oft times jealous of them and angry at God for what he gave me. I just didn't feel it was fair that I got the short stick when it came to my DNA code. I don't know how many times I wrote (in my journal) the phrase, "how could anyone love/like me?" How could anyone like my frizzy out of control hair, when there were so many beautiful straight haired women out there? How could anyone stand the sight of me without my 16" of makeup to cover all my flaws, when I had so many friends who woke up beautiful? Why would anyone pick me over my perfect olive skinned, shiny straight haired sister? I have felt your despair and your desperation. I know what it's like to constantly compare yourself to your siblings and wish, just for a moment that you could have what they have. So what I have to say next comes from my vast experience. I was never picked on for weight, but I was teased constantly about my hair by just about everyone that I knew. It was devastating to my soul, and so very difficult to deal with. Here is what I have learned. You can't go back, you can only go forward. You and only you, have been given unique qualities and attributes that make you a special and divine daughter of God. It is those attributes and those alone that you should focus on. If you really feel strongly about losing weight (or changing anything else in your life) only you can make yourself do it. I know that's easier said than done, but it's true. Once I decided to embrace my frizzy curly hair, found a hair cut that allowed me to take care of it properly, got rid of my bangs and embraced my bad skin things started to change. Now it doesn't mean that there aren't days where I don't wish things would be different, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I am who I am, God made me this way and he loves me.
ReplyDeleteThe funniest thing that I learned as I got older was, that while I was wishing to be my sister, she was secretly wishing to be me. (Ever scene "Wish Upon a Star"?) The fact of the matter is that the grass is always greener on the other side, but we don't know the struggles that other people have to deal with, and even though they might be our idea of "perfect" they might not agree.
Start by picking something today that you love about yourself. You have an awesome voice sister! I would kill to have a voice like yours. You are also very smart and kind! I've seen that personally. You are witty and charming, and overall such a good person!! I could go on and on.
Then, focus on that good thing, and develop a sense of love and appreciation for it. Once you've done that, start tackling the bigger/harder things. You'll find that once you start recognizing your unique attributes, that the other ones don't seem so important anymore.
Oh and I can't say enough about service! I served at a hospital when I was in high school (Senior in particular) and it did wonders for me. It really opened my eyes to how good I did have it. :)
I love you, others love you, your family loves you, God loves you! Don't sit and have a pity party. . . DO something! You CAN do it!!!